Fragment #13 - Down the rabbit hole

We are at our favourite club with Mark and the others. Big club, plenty of people, so many people tonight… Do they all want to deceive their fear of time moving on? Is this it? Getting drunk enough to forget another year passed and nothing great happened yet? New Year’s Eve has been the time for assessments. For thinking about what you did achieve lately, and I felt like this last year quite sucked, with the breaking up with Steven. It shattered all my dreams about making a whole healthy life in Scotland: a good job, successful career in the country I fell in love with, and soon moving in a nice flat with a smart and caring man… This was just my dream of happiness. Some story you can tell people, and they all acknowledge you did well with your life. Of course I could try to be optimistic, but as usual I would feel even worse when back to pessimism. Let’s stick to pessimism. Let’s stick to a black and white world with no hope. I just can’t stand despair after having known happiness. I want happiness back.

I can see Mark getting in deeper into the crowd, followed by Christina and Susan. I don’t know who is this guy grabbing Susan’s ass by the way, she doesn’t seem to hate this. I don’t know which time is it, how long we’ve been there for. Too late, too much alcohol, I shouldn’t be thinking about serious stuff. Maybe I’m just being a drama queen. I stagger, and when I get my balance back, Mark and the others are gone. Where are they? I don’t really recognize things. I feel a bit lost. Let’s find the way out…

“Hi Amy.” Sweet, charming voice, warm hands on my shoulders. I shiver; he is breathing so close to my neck. “Do you remember me?” Mike. Of course I do. He sticks to my back, hold me close to him. It feels good to have someone else body to sheer you up. How quick you do forget this feeling, how much I miss it. I start moving in the same rhythm he does. We are dancing. Can we call this dancing? I feel him getting closer and closer, his body hard against my spine. He kisses my neck, starts biting me, I want more.

“Where is Laetitia?” I don’t get the answer. Gone. Don’t know why. Maybe she is the kind of girl who just decides to leave when she had enough. The kind of girl, spoiled child, who gets whatever she wants whenever she wants and throw it away when she is done. I’ve got a spoiled child used toy. And he is all mine now. Mark won’t save me tonight. I won’t let him. I turn round, grab his lips, put my tongue deep inside into his mouth. He kisses me back. And then… things are getting darker… I fall deep inside the rabbit hole.