Fragment #3 - London - Dijon: connection

I’ve just stopped thinking about Lilian. I was lying down in bed, thinking about his body. I’ve left someone in love with me in France. I hope he will recover; I didn’t even let him go with me to the station. He had to forget me. I was not the One. I’ve stayed here, staring at the plaster ceiling for hours. Thinking about nothing but Lilian. And Julian, his brother, I left on the platform in Dijon, after a long and cold kiss. Why have I accepted his lips against mine? I didn’t know. I have no real feeling for him. Just a little admiration.
Shuddup Jed, you would die for him.
I would not. I’m someone strong. My muscles start frowning. I get my knees closer to my face, my hands around them. I can feel my heart beat. Bambam, bambam, bambam.
I don’t care about Julian. I don’t care about Jonathan. I don’t care about Lilian. No-one exists but me now. I will be the fully powered teenager; the self-sufficient lover.

I’m on granny’s computer now. I have just imported MSN messenger on the desk.
[Jed1821@hotmail.fr]
[*********]
[Connect]
Julian is online. He’s asking me a question about a picture of me and Alex in front of Big Ben. Well, are you jealous, my dear. Another man in my life, and this you can’t stand. Poor thing. I will always have men in my life. And I dance between them. Kissing one, embracing another, shagging the third. You won’t have any power on me. I dial some time with you, but I just don’t care. You being jealous; you being so under my expectations. I thought you would care about me. You just feel I ought to be yours. I am no one’s property. I am just mine.
I answer as a wall would answer, so few words, so nothing out of my fingers go to . You know I don’t care about you Julian. You know the only person I care about is I.

I’m in my bed again. Staring at the ceiling. This trip to hasn’t changed me so much. I feel so empty. I feel so mean to others. seems so far away now. My own feelings are just flowing away. I’m nothing. Everyone fled from my glaring body. Everyone fled from my wrecked soul. My Desdemona, first and only female love; my mirror, Julian; Lilian, his brother, mirror of the mirror; and Jonathan, the One. All of them are so far away now. I’m alone, tensed in my bed. My stomach aches. My entire body aches, crying for help. A gulp imprisons my throat, making it so dry. I watch the ceiling, again, and start crying.