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 Fragment #17 - Fenrir comes to sleep

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MessageSujet: Fragment #17 - Fenrir comes to sleep   04.01.09 22:37

Sunday 23th december 2007
in London

I press my body harder against my sister’s.
She holds me in her arms. We communicate in this silent vibrations that siblings can have between each other. I tell her silently what had happened during this time she was in this room next to mine. I tell her Julian’s skin, Julian's fake love, Julian's bright eyes, and what I thought I could read in those. By pressing more against my skin, she expresses the hatred she could feel toward him, without even knowing why. Maybe she knew one day or the other he would bring me down.
Through the window, in the clear sky, the full moon is bone white, as my feelings are skinless. Selene is sadly smiling at me, trying to say something like: “all will be fine.” I don’t know if I can trust her.
I start thinking about all that had happened during this week: the coming of Julian, my will to bring him home, my will to get him into my arms, my will to keep him. Maybe it was all my fault, maybe in trying to keep him towards me I only succeeded in making him flee.
‘I know what you are thinking, Jed. None of that is your fault.”
“But I’m the one who told him to come home.”
“Well, he accepted. He stayed. He left without leaving a note.”
“But I don’t – I don’t understand what’s happening between us.”
“Do you really love him?”
“Well, I – I desired him. I find him attractive…”
“You know, Jed, you’ll find many other attractive boys.”
“But he…”
“There’s no need of keeping thinking about this. Chrissie is in two days!”
“Well, hopefully you’re staying. I would have died alone with the grandparents.”
“Yes, hopefully…”
What are you hiding to me, Ariane? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I should live in the present.
Fuck the Past.
Fuck the Future.
And love the Present.
I am here, in my bed, between awakeness and sleep. And Ariane is next to me. Nothing should be more important.
There should be times when Fenrir comes to sleep and forget about his thirst of blood and revenge.
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Fragment #17 - Fenrir comes to sleep
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