Fragment #7 - Winter's tale

Everything is swirling around me. It’s one of those fucking days when I can’t say what’s right and what’s wrong. I’m exhausted, I don’t know how come. It’s dark far too early, it seems that we have entered a long time of everlasting night. Parents have been awful at that fucking meeting. Pupils don’t understand a thing, and I am fighting to find innovative ways to interest them to French, to school, to me. I’m fighting to get people to be interested by be. Look at me please…

Or don’t. I would like some people to forget me. To forgive me for not knowing what I want. Steven. Yes we are back together. I asked plenty of people, I didn’t know, I had to take the chance and almost all at once, I have known it wouldn’t be working. It’s just too late. And I feel guilty that I haven’t known and I am going to make him suffer. I hate saying no, I hate disappointing people. And eventually, trying to be too kind, trying too hard, I disappoint them anyway. It seems like a vicious circle. But who knows what’s right or wrong, what you’ve got to do, the path you’ve got to take? Who knows? I am the one who got the best mark in philosophy in high school by saying truth didn’t exist… Damn, life can’t be like a philosophy book. It can’t be that esoteric, that complicated. There’ve got to be a way…

I need to tell Steven I can’t make it work. I need to tell people I can’t be the person they think I am. Maybe this is why I am here: to run away from expectations, try and be myself. But you can’t escape this. You can’t escape yourself, or maybe, if I really want to… I just can’t do this. Everything is swirling around me, it’s dark, I see white spots flickering, is that snow?

What are the good choices in this crappy life? There is none. But I need to know where I am going, to have an aim in life, a purpose. I need some fresh air, I need to breathe…
“Are you alright Miss?”
“…”
“Miss?”
Where am I? I can’t remember coming here, in Kelvinpark. I just wanted to go out for a walk in my street, just buy some cigarettes, I like to smoke when I’m not feeling well… How did I end up in this park?
“Miss? You shouldn’t be out there, it’s so cold, poor wee thing.”
“I’m Ok, don’t worry, I’m going back home at once, I don’t leave far. Thanks.”
I need to be strong. It might just be winter which makes me feel depressed. It would mean I can be ok, eventually.