Fragment #26 - Slimfast

“I lived with this detestable woman once, her name was Mandy. She was this horrible domineering, school mistress like creature. Every morning she would find something new to complain about. The bathroom sink was leaking, the fridge wasn’t cold enough, the fucking pilot light on the central heating needed to be lit. every day this would happen, normal stuff that most human beings could deal with themselves. I was just her flatmate, it’s not like I owned the place or was contractually obliged to wait after her hand and foot. She also had this amazing ability to mess up the kitchen and then shout at me to clean it up.
“Every day she would have her Slimfast milkshakes, she wanted to loose some weight, personally I would have suggested not having a bacon roll with the slimming drink… or perhaps she could get up off her fat corpulent arse and get some exercise. Well eventually I got fed up with her so I took revenge. I started to put this weight gain stuff that body builders and ex-junkies use to get some fat under their tissue into her Slimfast powder. It was hilarious. Three weeks and you saw the difference, the woman just ballooned. She ended up moving away back home and the last I heard she was a bit of a recluse living with about eighteen cats...
“But that’s not the reason why I’m going to hell, no.
“Same woman, she had this real phobia of stick insects. She went away down to her parents for the summer as was her usual. I knew someone at the botanic gardens and they had told me that they had a real problem with these bugs, so therefore people were welcome to take some away… which I did.
"I put about ten of them in her wardrobe with a good armful of ivy. Four weeks went by and I forgot all about it, she came back at the end of the summer, opened the wardrobe and thousands, literally thousands of stick insects, alive and dead poured out around her legs and over her feet. They were crawling all over her clothes, working their way up her skirt and she – well, she didn’t take it too well. To this day that is the worst thing I have ever done to someone... It still makes me laugh.”
“You are evil! I guess that's why I love you.”

She... loves me?