Fragment #50 - The illusion of life

It's weird that I don't feel any special reason which would make me want to live. Though, it seems like I have to. Like if some great puppets' master wouldn't allow me to die. I hope he got something good for me, to convince me he is right to make me live.

Obviously I won't die out of boredoom. I didn't go out for the past week, shopped online for food, didn't wear anything else than pyjamies and old tshirts, watched TV and movies... Claire is getting angry at me. I feel like crap. If I'm not dying... At least I could wear some decent clothes and answer the phone. And I guess I'll have to go back to work tomorrow, the October break is over and working will at least prevent me from thinking how crap my life is. Well at least on Monday. I need to find something more after that.

I go the wardrobe. I look at myself in the mirror and I get scared. Gosh at least I'll feel good about the way I look once I'll have had a shower, put on some clothes, make-up and brushed my hair...

They want me to go and see a shrink. Fuck off... Seriously, what would that change? I know that I've got family issues, a wrecked love life and that I'm never ever satisfied. Maybe I lack a passion. What could I do to spice my life up?

I go to the bathroom, take a hot nice shower. Wash my hair with a nice shampoo smelling of lemon and almond. I rub some cream all over my body, and realise I should really waxe my legs, if I want to resemble a human being again. I'll get an appointment, going to the beautician means taking care for oneself, and it's good for the mood, isn't it?

I'm wrapped in a towel, rummaging throught my clothes. I could use some time to clean up that closet... Jeans, red loose top. Comfy but I think it'll make me look decent. Some clean underwears, white lace, it makes me think of times I've been feeling sexy. When I was with... Whatever. I need to stop thinking about the past, it's what's driving me crazy. Right, underwears, jeans, top... I need shoes. Where are my flat shoes...

The door bell rings. Who can this be? I go to the entry phone, just randomly open the building's door, go out into the hall, with my bare feet and wet hair...

"Hey you, you finally got of your bed?"

Mark. Prince Charming who always feels like he needs to rescue people. I hate that. I don't know how Ruth can stand that. After six months I mean, she quite knows him I guess... Whatever. Their problem. And it's nice of him to pay a visit.

We hug, I let him in. He tells me that I look good today, though a bit tired... No kidding... I fix up some tea, we sit in the living room... We chat a bit... He asks questions... He is worried.

"So you're going back to school tomorrow?"

Yep, school... I am. This is my boringly sad life. I need something more. I think I won't stand that anymore, and it's more than time that I do something about it. Don't know how, I start thinking about the endless parties with Mike. I can't stop dreaming about him, it's weird. I know he was an artificial way to distract myself, that it didn't meant we were a couple meant to work. But at least it was something. Before I find something else. Though sometimes I'm wondering: are we meant to enjoy life? Or are we all fooling around, and sometimes, for the luckiest ones, deceiving ourselves in thinking life is actually good and exciting? I'm wondering... Is happiness only an illusion we build up?