Fragment #52 - We are family

I turned 25 four days ago. I moved back in Glasgow a year ago. Who am I now? What did I accomplish? Most importantly, what do I want? If I'm meant to go on with my life... At least I should do something out of it...

I look in front of me. I lined up all my birthday cards on the chemney mantelpiece. They are actually a lot of them, which cheered me up, I have to confess... Colours, glittering words, wishing me all the best... Claire, Mark and Ruth, Allison, some other colleagues at school, even Benedicte. Sarah and her flatmates, Sean and Jack. My mum, who seems desesperate to see me again. She send a nice gift, a recipes book on french desserts. A card from Dad and Jessica. This one surprised me.

I grab the package I left beside it. I open it, pull what's in out, on the bed. A long letter from my father, telling me how things are going at work for him – he is working in aerospace engineering in Toulouse -, how they are finishing restoring the house with Jessica... How the girls are doing at school. He send me some pictures of them, and I realised how grown up the twins are. Marie and Lucie... I remember some ten year old evil little girls, blond, pretty and mean. And they look all sweet and clever now, really pretty young women. They seem to be smiling a lot. They are fourteen now. They are happy. I look at all the pictures again, in their big house in Toulouse's countryside... They look happy, really. And this three pages letter... They are letting know, even if I didnt show for a long time that I wanted to, that I'm part of this family. That being divorced and remaried doesn't prevent my dad from loving me less, and that Jessica and the girls are my family as much as his. There is a small card send by the twins themselves. Maybe they are old enough to realise having a half sister in a foreign country is interesting... Shh I'm being mean, sarcastic and negative again. And there is the smaller package. Silver and green gift wrap. And inside it, a gold necklace. With a small pendant representing a cow with horns and a big circle between them. Very delicate. I actually liked it at first sight, which I didn't approve because it's a present from my family and I've tried to convince myself I really don't need them in anything. Even for affection. Maybe... Maybe after all I like their attention, I like that they are present in my life...

Looking back at the cards lined up... Sarah's, my mother's, my dad's... Sarah came by every two or three days lately, trying to cheer me up. I think Claire asked her to, maybe she did with Mark as well. Anyway. At least they came by. She came with Sean, her flatmate and boyfriend, and sometimes with Jack, the other flatmate. Whom I hate because Matthew is his best friend. Though I have to admit he had interesting things to tell. He is working on his master's dissertation, on Glaswegian authors, and is passionate about it. It's actually the first thing in weeks I have felt interested to. Maybe I should go to a library and see if I find some of the books he told me about.

Where was I? I focuse on the pictures and things thrown on my bed. The necklace... I should wear it. Just in order to remember some people think about me. I guess it's important. There was a small note in the package. He bought it when he was in Egypt with Jessica - When did they go there? I haven't known... - So miles away, in a vacation, they thought that I would like this small piece of jewellery. He is letting me know that this is a representation of Hathor, an Ancient Egyptian Goddess, with lots of qualities... Like me. Maybe wearing it would remember myself that some people do believe in me, and love me. I should remember, everyday, that, liking it or not, we are family.

I open the clasp and pull the necklace around my neck. Close the clasp. I turn around and look at myself in the mirror. The chain is quite long. I really like it. I take one of the picture, representing the four of them. I leave it on the mantelpiece, with the cards. I need to remember people care about me. And to care about them. I leave my room to go to the living room, find the phone... It's been too long since I haven't called my parents.