Fragment #56 - Fear management

I give myself a last look in the looking glass. It's eight past five minutes and I am already late. I like how I look today. Flat black boots, black trousers, round-neck grey sweater. No jewellery, except from my gold chain and the Hathor pendant. My hair is tied up in a neat ponytail. I put on my black wool jacket. I pick up my bag next to my bedroom door, the only colour touch in my outfit, a red bag from Primark I bought quite a while ago... I may go shopping this week-end.



Eight hours later, I put my jacket back on. I pass the door of my classroom, lock it up. I am now heading to my first appointment of the week with Dc McCourt. The day is over. It hasn't been as bad as I feared. It went on ok, even with the second years, always the worst one, quick to notice when I am unsteady. Am I getting better?



"So Amélie how are feeling today?"
I am lost in the contemplation of the fishtank. Small colourful tropical fish, lots and lots of them, moving fast without any interruption. The warm light coming from it, the bubbles... I feel calm and serene. Why does she have fish in her office? Is it meant to have this effect on patients? Or is it just that she prefers fish to paintings or houseplants? Either of them. I turn back to her. Brown hair, green eyes, a nice casual pale grey outfit, simple jewellery: pearl necklace and matching earrings. She looks like a sophisticated, intelligent woman. She is sitting in the green armchair facing mine.
"I am fine thank you."
What about you? No, unappropriate question, this is all about me.
After ten minutes or so chatting about recent events, about school, she asks a more specific question, as usual.
"So today I want us to talk about your fears. What you would say is your main fear?"
I look at her with surprise. I don't know. I freak out when I see snakes and spiders, but I think this is rather normal... I tell her. She looks disappointed.
"You don't understand. What I mean is that we all have fears deep inside down that prevent us from accomplishing projects, being ourselves, feeling confident. It prevents us from love too, and I noticed you pointed out some family and love issues. So Amélie, again, what are you afraid of?"
I don't know. I may look confused, because she looks at me more intensly, like if she wanted to say, try harder. Let's try and think about my fears... But looking inside me, I prefer not seing those. The fear to lose, the fear to suffer, the fear to be deceived, the fear to disappoint... These are inside me, indeed... Spiders is something you can manage, but what about pain? I have never been able to deal with it, even the smaller ones.
"Amélie? I have lost you again. What are you thinking about? Tell me, I am not here to judge, I am here to help you."
She leans towards me, encouraging but severe. I am not a very patient.
"Okay you are right, I am fearful. I am scared all the time, that things could go wrong. But aren't you? Wouldn't you if you were sure you can't trust anyone?"
She is not encouraging anymore. She is even more severe, her features stiffer. She looks at me straignt in the eyes.
"Do you really believe what you just said?"
I stop, and guilt rushes inside of me. Claire, Sarah, Mark, Sean and Jack, all of them.... Am I being ungrateful?
"I don't know, this is the way I feel..."
And now I feel like a child being scolded by her mother.
"All right Amélie, I will give you some help for that one. It is not that you can't trust people, it is that you don't want to, because there is always a chance you get disappointed. But it's okay. You've got to take risks, sometimes you lose, but you can win too... And you can't win if you don't try."
"But I can take risks! I have spent lots of time with my ex boyfriend Mike. He was the one who wasn't commited."
"Are you sure about that?"
She is questionning Mike's lack of commitment now? The look she is giving to me, obviously means she doubts it . But she is wrong.
"Amélie, time's up. I will see you on Thursday, is it right? Meanwhile, think about this Mike thing. Without bitterness, as much as you can."
So cool. She is giving me homeworks...

A few minutes later I am out, not far from the City Center. It's freezing. Let's get a bus back to my dear West End for a cup of coffee. Maybe Claire would feel like going to Ashton Lane for a drink. I would. I take my mobile out of my pocket, I just turn it on when I went out from Shiobban McCourt's office. I have a text, from Jack. Sara asking if u still coming for dinner? Oops I forgot about that. Let's go to Shawlands then, for some pizza and TV.