Diana Ramos - Like They Do in Wisteria Lane

Sujet: Diana Ramos - Like They Do in Wisteria Lane 04.06.09 22:15

Wednesday, June 4th 2009
In Seville

Eva Longoria said in Desperate Housewifes, “thanks to my job I have learnt to smile even when I didn’t want to”. Thanks to my current job I also have to smile although I feel the most pathetic human being in the world and thanks to my future job I will have to fake a smile too so my patients feel good. I’m supposed to be the strongest link in the chain, aren’t I? But I’m not strong enough. So here I am, like a whore of a dead end brothel in Javier Roldán’s office.
- It’s a pity that such a beautiful woman fails the exam.
- I did study. I swear.
- I can tell you studied, but not enough, Miss Ramos.
- I know, but… - I lean on the table slightly, I have to make sure that Roldán sees my low low neck – I know I can’t pass because of the mark I got but… I wondered if I could make a work.
- You should have handed in your report on the 30th of January.
- Please… - why the hell have I damped my lips with my tongue? Gosh, now I really look like a whore. And Roldán noticed – If you could give me a chance…
We look into each other’s eyes. In fact, I’m looking into his eyes, because his staring straight to my tits. He takes after Richard Gere… He poses as a gallant, and as long as there will be people as me that sells themselves anyway, he will be justified. I lie on the back and cross my legs in the Sharon Stone’s way, and at the same time, I pull up my miniskirt a little bit more. Everything is permitted in war, love and university. He smiles craftily. And so do I. This subject is about to be passed. He picks up the phone and leaves it on the table. He comes across the door and locks it.
- Why don’t you undo your shirt, Miss Ramos? – I guess he refers to the few buttons that still keep buttoned.
I look at him again. And I smile. I always smile. It’s my job.

Sujet: Re: Diana Ramos - Like They Do in Wisteria Lane 04.06.09 23:46

I loved it! - There are a few mistakes I am... too tired to correct, but it didn't prevent me from enjoying this :) -

Well done, really. I like the strong references to the american TV universe.

Sujet: Re: Diana Ramos - Like They Do in Wisteria Lane 05.06.09 0:33

Thanks!!!! It's a pleasure to take part of the English forum. Whenever you want, you can tell me what the mistakes are and I will correct them ^^

An interesting bit of writing, but as Mesarthim stated, there are a few errors. Not in what you said, but rather the specific words you used.

1) “thanks to my job I have learnt to smile..." While 'learnt' is used in American to represent an uneducated person, usually a farmer, cowboy or other rural type, the proper word is 'learned.' In this case, "... I have learned to smile..." Since you are implying the character is in a school of some sort, I would have to assume that more proper English is used by the protagonist; unless she's actually trying to act uneducated.

I also want to note that "Housewifes" should be "Housewives." Words ending with an 'eff' sound, like 'wife' or 'self' changes to a 'vii' sound when meaning more than one, such as 'wives' and 'selves.'

2) The entire paragraph was filled with punctuation errors: "Eva Longoria said in Desperate Housewifes, “Thanks to my job, I have learnt to smile even when I don't want to”. Thanks to my current job, I also have to smile even though I feel like the most pathetic human being in the world. Thanks to my future job I will also have to fake a smile ~~too~~ (Also and too carry the same meaning, but in this change using 'also' ahead of the phrase sounds better in English.) so my patients feel good. I’m supposed to be the strongest link in the chain, aren’t I? But I’m not strong enough. So here I am, like a whore from a dead end brothel, in Javier Roldán’s office." I boldfaced the added punctuation, but I'm not sure how visible it will be. Maybe I should have colored them as well. I also changed a few words to ones sounding more natural.

3) - It’s a pity that such a beautiful woman fails the exam. The more correct term would be 'failed' since the test is over. 'Fails' is usually used as a future tense, as in "If he fails the exam, he wil have to take it over."

4) I lean on the table slightly, ~~I have~~ to make sure that Roldán sees my low, low neckline. I envision you want to emphasize the cut of the blouse, rather than how short her neck is.

5) - why the hell have I damped my lips with my tongue? I think the word you wanted to use was 'dampened,' but a better word would be 'moistened,' which implies wetting them to make them shine. While 'dampened' works, it carries a less--erotic--connotation.

6) He poses as a gallant, and as long as there will be people like as me that sells themselves anyway, he will be justified. I can't fully explain the difference between 'like' and 'as,' but in this case 'like' is the word you wanted to use. As for the word 'sells,' your sentence uses a plural subject, "...people like me...," which requires a plural verb, "...sell themselves..." Note that you used the proper 'f' to 'v' shift here in the word 'themselves.'

7) I lie on the back and cross my legs... May I assume you mean, "I lie on my back and cross my legs..."?

8 ) He ~~comes across~~ crosses to the door and locks it.

9) I guess he ~~refers~~ is referring to the few buttons that ~~still keep~~ are still buttoned.

I may have missed one or two others, and maybe I should rewrite the whole thing to demonstrate the corrections better. However, I'd rather see if my notes were clear by asking you to rewrite it yourself. (Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if you shot me instead.)