Fragment #9 - I don't want a sweet life

I hate those teachers who spend their nights out talking about school. But obviously I became one of those. Maybe it’s just a good sign I am passionate about what I do. I like those kids I think. Today Adam suggested we could have a drink tonight. I couldn’t figure out if this was supposed to be kind of a date or just some time to get to know each other as colleagues. We went to Ashton Lane. A small old-fashioned street, with pubs, bars the whole way, lights everywhere. It’s one of those magical places in Glasgow.

He is chatting about his pupils, same as mine. I feel touched by the way he sees them. We know them well: it looks like there are our children. Then we speak about the need teachers have to put a distance between them and the kids. Obviously we both aren’t good at this game. Does this mean we aren’t good teachers? Or only that we must suffer more than our colleagues? I don’t need pain in my life. But it’s like I stubbornly enjoy bringing some in. It’s funnier. I like him. Adam. A biblical name. It sounds like salvation to me, and someday I would love to be saved. Anyway, I think Adam is the weak guy in this tale, isn’t it? He is the one who couldn’t say no to his woman’s desire for knowledge, unknown and experiment. I would like to think there is something, electricity going on between us. I’m thrilled to meet someone. But is it because of me or only my fantasies about a man, any man? There we are, having a good time, and I’m thinking, just as usual. How could this work out? I’m not changing. Not yet. I feel some pain inside of me. My stomach, I know what this means. I could fall in love with this man. If I want to, if I let me to. But is it right? Anyway, I’m going to suffer the same way all over again. I don’t want this.

He is sweet. He is wishing me good night, it was a nice evening, let’s do it again… What do you really think of me? What did you want from that night? Did you actually have something in mind? I never know… I’m always either too naïve, or too skeptic. When am I gonna start to see things the easy way, the right way if there is one? I go down into the next subway station. Did I mess this up?

It’s raining outside, the weather is wild. So is my mind. I want to check my mobile, and don’t. I know there is nothing to check. Ten days without any news from Steven. So this is it, we got separated the same way we got back together: passionless. We just know this isn’t worth it. I do feel it would have been better with a proper closure… But what would I have said? That I need to figure out who I am and what I want before letting someone in my life. Is it right? I kind of feel safe being back to bachelorhood. And I feel good. I don’t want a sweet life, a husband and children, I don’t want to fit the social pattern of being in a couple relationship. Claire is obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend, because she doesn’t. If that obsession came from the difficulty to fit our own convictions, that of we very well exist on our own? I didn’t decide to leave and be in control of my life to break in and live a perfectly normal boring one. Even if this might be my fate anyway, no matter how hard I try, no matter where I am.