Fragment #12 - Mummy issues

“Hey Missus. Wish you a Merry Christmas! Hope you having a great time in Paris. Don’t want to spoil it but had your sister on the phone. Are you going to visit your mum?”

Crap. My mum. Why is this happening? How does she know anyway that I’m in France? I’m having a wonderful time with Marie. Not too gloomy, yet she’s just been left by her husband. We spent time catching up, eating chocolates and watching cheesy movies like Bridget Jones’ diary. It just feels good to have girly nights chilling out. We exchanged some gifts, to show that we care: sweets, Urban Decay make-up for her, a book for me, Brooklyn Follies. I liked that she thought about the fact I would prefer the book in English, and she knows me well enough to choose the right author. I think she appreciates that I came from Glasgow to spend Christmas with her. She didn’t want to go back to her family on her own. I’m happy she wanted me to be with her.

Tomorrow we are seeing other friends from uni. We’ve been in town this morning. Paris is wonderful at Christmas, all pale grey with lights, plenty of lights. Streets weren’t crowded like yesterdays: they are all trying to make it through the Christmas lunch. We’ve been to the shops, even if they were closed. I like to watch Christmas’ shop windows. It drives me back into an idealized childhood no one ever had.

I just want to enjoy life, for once. Not trying to please everyone, and failing anyway. I’m not going to see my mum. I wouldn’t stand one more of her speeches which make me feel so guilty: guilty for not being good enough at school, not being a good enough daughter, good enough person. I don’t want to feel guilty again for having chosen Glasgow, the only place which could make me happy to live in. She convinced me to come back when weakened by the Steven thing. I gave in, thought I really was a failure, and came back into Mummy’s house… But how can you grow up and exist on your own if you’re not killing the father? My mother is the father. And I am not visiting her. I’m just going to pretend I didn’t get Claire’s text. I’m not going to my Dad and Jessica’s place either. I don’t want to see them and the evil twins.

I made my decision and suddenly I feel so relieved. I’m done. Even if she is never going to know it, I’ve said no to my mother.