Fragment #42 - The letter

The sun is shining on my face. I close my eyes and appreciate this moment which I know won't probably happen before long. I leave my hands on the book I was reading, and decide to relax a little. I'm sitting down on a bench in the Botanic Gardens. People are around, but I only hear them through a veil. It's still work time, so only students and people like me enjoy the last rays of sunshine. What am I doing here? I mean, I love this place, but... Steve is here, my job is here. Why this emptiness now? I can't help feeling for these people in Finland. I heard today about these gunshots in a high school.... When will this madness finish? Although I feel extremely concerned by the estate of the world today and of the main news at the newsreport, I still feel empty inside. Nothing to do with all that worldwide chaos, but more about some private disturbation...
I know. The departure of Cameron for his new world and the fact that Steve and I are extremely busy are not helping the delicate balance in my relationship with Steve. I know we've reached a crucial point but I can't take us further.
Maybe Steve?

Back at home, I sit at my desk and take my favourite pen. I stay there for a while, then decide to put some music on. What kind of music should help me writting a letter to my lover about how I feel?...
I go to the shelf with my cds on and have a look through. En toute intimité by Lara Fabian... Yes, that will help.

I sit back in front of the paper. I raise my pen and start to write.

Dear Steve,
As weird as it seems, I can't tell you what I'm about to tell you face ta face. Not that I'm ashamed or coward, but just that I feel slightly ashamed. I couldn't face you. I love you Steve but I can't take us further. I want to go there with you, but I'm afraid you're going to have to help me, maybe even pull me... I have no solution and I also know that I ask -and have asked- a lot...
I love you.
Charlie