Fragment #20 - Early morning

A fight. Violence. Someone taller than me, a boy, hit me. I fall, things are blurred, I can see a reassuring woman, I call her, like I would call my mum… Help me, help me… And I wake up. It’s dark. I’m in my bed, tensed, wearing the same night clothes I think I was wearing in my dream. I can see a figure on the floor, the small mattress Sarah is sleeping on. I didn’t wake her up. I’m sure I screamed. I feel dizzy, tired, my head is aching. I have a look at the clock. Half seven. Crap, I managed to be late. I get off my bed, head up for a hot shower I really need even if I’m late.

I go down the flat’s hall to the bathroom. I switch on the light, and my eyes blink. It’s too early in the morning, I didn’t sleep well… Even worse, I don’t even want to go back to bed and to sleep. It’s those nights I can’t get some rest, and the only thing to do is to go on and get so busy during your day that the next night would be dreamless. I close the door, get rid of my clothes, with relief. I try and remember something about that dream… I’m cold, I hate early mornings out of my warm and nice bed. And though there is something relieving about being awake again. I get inside the shower, let the hot water go down my skin. I’m warm again, the dream is back, I try and tame it with reason… I remember me, up in front of a class of pupils, wearing my night clothes, my formless pink trousers and my black tshirt with an hole… Explaining something meaningless, trying to make them stay calm, resultless… I’m fighting. And even worse, I remember now, the tallest boy, who stands up, wants to leave the class. I say to him he should better stay. And then he turns to me, “else what?” He is threatening me, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes. Then he comes to me, I’m frightened, he pushes me, wants to hit me… I’m on the floor, and then my PT comes like a saving angel, and I wake up, with this persistent feeling I’ve failed in my job, failed in my life.

I gather my damped hair which is falling on my eyes. I switch off the water tape, get a towel, and try to warm me up, again. Let’s get some clothes. I won’t even have time for a hot cup of tea to settle me down… I want to make enough time to relax in my day, to avoid having those dreams full of fear and insecurity. Even if they are fewer and fewer, I shouldn’t stop fighting against them.