Fragment #35 - All good things have an end

I get to this club I've been to so often. The guy at the door, Henry, he just nodds when I enter. I'm wearing my school clothes, boring long grey skirt and a black top, my light grey short plastic jacket from Primark, I'm nothing like a Glaswegian girl out for a drink, and I'm not sure they would have let me in... But we've been to the same wild after-work parties, starting at four in the morning... It's something weird to live the night world life, especially when in your real life you teach youngsters how to say their name in a foreign language. It's the double life I've been living those last months though. Taking the last drink of the shift, waiting for Mike to finish work, and then go back to his place, for sex, or another one, for some wild party where I was drinking enough to make everyone forget I wasn't belonging to this all. I keep my jacket on, and Louise looks surprised. I'm not dressed up, and keeping my jacket is an obvious sign I won't stay. It's even rude in this place where I've been welcomed at so often. I go upstairs to the club. It's quiet, it's a week day, it's only ten, they just opened the bar. I look around, appreciate this place I usually see crowded with partying people, wild, drunk, dressed up with glitter and colours, showing out their happiness to the city. It looks too big with no one. The classy benches, the black tables, over there the dance floor. The barmen are getting ready, finishing checking all the drinks in the fridges and cupboards, all dressed in black in front of the colorful lights on the wall behind the bar. Mike looks up and sees me. He smiles at me. He is as tall, mysterious and seductive as ever. Blue eyes, nice smile... I remember what I thought the first time I met him there... Anyway, I was looking for some thrill, some adventure, I had it and now what?

Am I being selfish again? I had what I needed, and now I want something else, again?

Or I've been waiting too long, and I should have ended this a long time ago, after we had those first wild nights, and then go back to the life I belong to. Can't I be happy with who I am?

Should I talk to him?

Please not again...

I blink, trying to make all my doubts go away. Can't I stop thinking for once? Mike is staring at me now, he noticed my clothes, my jacket still on, his eyes are wondering. I come closer...

"Hey you."
"Hey."
"What are you doing here so early?"
"I need to talk to you."
"What, now? Can't this wait till later?" He gaves me a naughty wink...
"No I've got an early class tomorrow with my new first years, they are little devils, I need to be on top of my game."

He smiles. He always do that, he thinks I'm joking when I'm talking about my job. He doesn't get that handling whole groups of teenagers, more interested in friendships and what they call love, and sex, and makeup and football, who don't give a shit about French... Yeah it can get heroic. It's great but it's a full time job, really, and he doesn't get that, in his dreamy harsh night life, irrealistic in the extreme, made of parties and pleasures of all kind, and violence and dark secrets at the same time. He doesn't get what I do, with young people, parents, families and daylight activities.

There you are, critizing. Are you trying to convince yourself of what you're doing?

"Ok but I'm kind of busy now. What do you want to talk about?"

I look around, and give him a sardonic look back. There is no one.

"You know, I've been thinking, and I've not been well for quite a long time now. I think it's better if we don't see each other anymore. It's not you, it's me, I need to be on my own, I need to commit to some things and being partying all the time, with you, this all, the club... I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry..."

He doesn't answer straight away. He looks a bit surprised by this bad little speech.

"So what, you're... breaking up?"
"Err... Yeah sort of."
"Sort of?? You could be a bit more sure about what you want. I'm busy. I'll call you later, ok?"

He looks annoyed, angry even. But still, "I'll call later"? I feel a bit disappointed. All my need for drama won't get any satisfaction here... But maybe it's just ending up the simple way it started up. Like something which couldn't find a meaning, an explanation. He turns back, starts rummaging in a cupboard. I can see his back, his black hair, which got longer those days. And then, I realize I really don't want to fight over this. I notice Corrina is looking at me, she heard everything. She is the barmaid, a cute little brunette. She is quite new in this place, I don't really know her. I nodd, smile, and turn around. I feel lighter than I've been feeling for a while. And I get out of the club, say bye to Louise and Henry. The streets are dark, the air is still mild, I feel safe, comfortable. I look at Kelvinbridge side, then look back straight ahead. I cross the street, and walk back home. I start thinking about what we need to do with the girls to find a new, bigger place.