Fragment #37 - A knock at the door

I light up my second cigarette of the day. I could use the holidays to quit smoking. Two months of holidays... I don't have any plans yet. I don't think this is a good sign. I should take my life in hand. The kettle is boiled, I prepare some stuff for breakfast: bread, butter, jam. I'm not really that hungry, I've been eating a lot of chocolate lately and I feel fat, I hate it. I'm even losing interest in shopping. I sit on the floor, next to the coffee table, on the new dark carpet. I like feeling it under my bare feet. I start spreading butter on a piece of toast. I take of sip from my cup of tea. I look at myself into the windows. My hair got a dull colour, and I haven't brush it yet. Maybe I could start the holidays by going to the hairdresser. I hear a sound, and turn my head. There she is, Sarah, in her pyjamies, she doesn't look awake yet. She says hi, with that voice I know I have too, which means I don't even know who you are, don't even dare to talk to me. She goes into the kitchen, get a cup of tea and a cupcake. She isn't the greedy one, and when she eats one cupcake, it's only one, not the whole pack. Lucky her. Is she confident enough, is it the secret, to avoid what I do for compensation, eating, smoking, drinking even, looking aimlessly for a man, even if he doesn't meet my needs. She sits at the table, doesn't look at me. Maybe this has something to do with our last conversation. I remember, the argument...

"You know, about this flat. You know it's difficult to find a house for rent, for the three of us, it's been three weeks now... Have you considered buying a flat?"
"What for?"
"You're staying in Glasgow anyway, you'll do it sooner or later..."
"I can't afford it."
"Well, if I'm staying with you, it's the two of us, maybe we could get some money from mum..."
"No way."
"Or daddy..."
"I've told you, I don't want to owe them anything. This is my life, I've got a job, I earn a living, I don't need their help. It's your project not mine."
"It's our project. Maybe you should grow up and make peace with them, at last!"
"No way."

She thinks I'm stubborn. I think I'm feeling better now I'm somewhere else and I don't need to be in touch with them. It's not perfect yet, but better. I don't want to let them give their opinion on who I am, what I do with my life. I've locked the door to them too. Sarah will understand in the end, and get over it. Maybe she should start looking for a flat on her own after all... She would meet new people, I shouldn't let her settle in my own life. It's nice, easy, but maybe it's not right after all.
And then my thoughts are interrupted. Someone is knocking at the door. Not ringing the entry phone. This is someone we know. Maybe Claire forgot her key... Sarah doesn't get up. I sigh and go to answer the door.