Fragment #40 - Teacher's fears

I wake up in a hurry. I'm late for work. The clock shows 7.30 am. I'm sweating, and hot. I had a nightmare again. I hurry to the bathroom to take a shower. Under the warm and reassuring water, I start remembering pieces of that dream. Pupils, lots of them. Talking, screaming, making a fuss during my class. I'm not dreaming anymore that I appear before them wearing my pyjamies as I used to do when doing my placements. But I still have dreams sometimes. Especially now, a new school year starting... What does it mean? That I'm afraid some would find me incompetent with the pupils? Afraid that I can't be in control all the time? When the hell would I understand that being a teacher means you can't expect things to be perfect all the time? That life in general can't be exactly the way you planned it... You need to improvise, and accept that a lot depends on others. I need not to expect too much. And not to be too afraid that things would go wrong. They're just youngsters for god's sake...

I wrap myself into a towel, go back in my room, choose a long dark skirt, a blue top, dark shoes. I brush my hair, tie them in a vague bun. Put some make-up on. I look at myself into the mirror. I need to grow up, and stop dreading everything. I know my job, I do it well, and they are just waiting for me to tell them to shut up. I'll do that. And be smashing good at what I do.

If only self- persuasion would work... Fuck.