Fragment #73 - Untold fears that come up to the surface unexpected

I want to be strong. But everyone does have tougher times, some weeks when they are less confident than others. It’s normal, healthy even. I don’t want to show all these short moments down: I had enough with all of them, friends, colleagues, boss, family, knowing I was hitting rock bottom, seeing a shrink, it was enough. They are so quick to think, for every little fear I confess, that I am, for good and ever, a fragile little thing, so stressed out, so unable to go on with life… I realized that if I want to be well, I have to make everyone believe I am strong, so that they live me alone. But in trying to believe everything was fine, ignoring that some days, I still am fearful, sad and unconfident, in trying to show the happy and cool face, I happened to believe everything was really fine. But those dreams, they remember me it’s not true. It’s unsettling, disturbing when you are face to face with your unconscious reminding you, with no consideration at all for your sensibility, for what you want you to believe, that some things are wrong in your head. That somehow, you are human, and still in pieces. You may be sewed up - hopefully -, but the scars become painful again from time to time because you can't forget where you come from. I am again, face to face with fears. Fears I now know I have to consider with attention and if necessary, I have to face, on my own. The shrink showed me the way, the communication path anyone needs to follow to become who we are, the in between path: you don’t want to tell everything to everyone and show them you are an insecure little girl, an Alice who don’t want to believe all she sees in the rabbit’s hole – but who will wake up from her dream: we don’t. I have been cautious and choose carefully who to talk about what subject. It’s now working out. But some things… Some things I can’t tell anyone and I just let them hidden deep inside of me. At least I want to believe they can stay hidden: but they will come back to the surface one day or another. Today is the day…

This morning I woke up, it was worth than hangover. This ugly impression you have been told the ugly truth about some denial you have been experiencing lately. First uncomfortable part of dream was about people who hated me. Everyone from work, for something wrong I said but that no one would tell. It looks like paranoia, until one my colleague actually tells me no one wants to talk to me anymore. That it was true and I deserved it. He was referring to the day I confessed that I wanted to quit the job and that I wasn't coming back to the school in August. This led straight to some physical failure: I couldn’t move my arms up and down on my own anymore, they were blocked and I was looking just like a fucking scarecrow. I asked someone, my sister, to help me with it. Any incompetent shrink could still tell me the significance of the dream.

Second one was about someone I haven't tought of for weeks. I hate when exs come into my dreams to remember myself of old scares, like it could never be over, left into the past for good. It seems to need and come back to the surface from time to time. Short sentances, as always: those are dreams and only small fragments stay printed in my mind, only the worse parts. He was telling me this silence, this akward way to behave like we don’t know each other, is meaningless and ridiculous. That it was the sign of my own deep insecurity. This is revolting and in my dream I didn’t have time to answer, to state for my own point of view. I realize now that I will never have a chance to explain: that’s the consequence of cutting the ties loose with people. Things will just get more and more altered and end up being a distorted souvenir of each other. I won’t let that happen. I have to make things right. Those little daemons eating me up from inside need to be set free. Let’s talk this over. I take my mobile out, write up a small text, and send it.

"Mike".