Fragment #47 - Down

I'm back home. I close the door. It's getting darker, that flat is gloomy. Nobody's home. I let my bag fall on the floor. I feel tired. Really tired. Pupils have been awful today... I cried in the bathroom. It's the third time this week... I just feel like I can't control them anymore. I don't feel like I control much things though...

I bent to my bag and try and find my mobile phone in the side pocket. No text, no missed call, nothing. Matthew didn't call me back, we finally slept together on the third date. It wasn't great. We had a coffee once. And then excuses, again, and again.

I should remove my coat, turn on the lights. I sit on the floor, in the hall. Look around. The door to the living room, mine, Claire's bedroom, closed. We haven't spoke much this week. I guess it's not the same since Sarah left. I feel disapointed. She was mine, how come she misses Sarah and the way life was in the flat with her. I feel bitter. Lonely.

I'm still sitting on that floor. It's pathetic. I should get up, turn on the lights...

If only I could turn on the lights.

If only.

What should I do to change this all? It's not rationnal, not anymore. I don't even know what I need to enjoy my life, that's my problem, it's always been.

The thought, the possibility of happiness warms me up. I get up, turn the lights on. Remove my coat, let it fall down next to my bag. I enter my bedroom, take a new pack of cigarets. Remove the plastic cover, open it up, take one out. Light it up. I come back into the hall, put my coat back on, open the door, get out of my gloomy and lonely flat.

I walk down the street. Focusing on smoking my cigaret. Like if my life depended on stopping thinking of something else. Does it? What do I like in my life, seriously? My job is killing me, I definitly took it too much at heart, I'm disappointed, no one cares about my efforts. I don't have Mike and the stopless parties to avoid thinking of how empty the rest of my life is anymore.

I walk down the street till I reach KelvinPark. It's getting late, almost sunset, some people are still walking by. I enter the park, walk along a lane, along the small river. The trees and bushes make me feel more peaceful. The water is dark, moving, fascinating. I stop along a bareer, lay against it, throw away my cigarett butt. I take the pack out of my pocket. I left home just with cigarets, keys - did I close the door? - lighter. I light on another cigaret. I look at the water. I hate those empty moments. I feel cold. I would like to start thinking about my life, about improvements... I don't want to. It's like there is nothing to do, nothing will ever change. I tried the boyfriend thing, the party thing, the work thing... I'm just helpless.

The water is dark and moving. My cigaret is consuming in my hand. I look inside the water. It's like the cold and dark rush in my mind. Let's go back home, go to bed. Tomorrow I'll just call in sick. What else could I do?