Fragment #19 - Doubt

I'm sitting alone in the living room, it's four in the morning. I've been chain smoking for the past hour only really pausing to get another cup of coffee.

I can't be sure why, but I just cannot seem to get into the mood to sleep. You see reader, my mind keeps flicking back to the sweet events of Wednesday. I keep thinking about how her hair smelt and how warm she was in my arms, how good it felt to hold someone again.
It's a strange feeling of joy and dread that I have at the moment. This girl is nice, I mean nice! She is funny, clever and kind. Also she makes a most amusing noise when you tickle her. I don't deserve to find someone like her.

I light another cigarette and move through to the kitchen. My sister hates it when I smoke in there
so I make sure to do it as often as I can. Kettle on and coffee cup out.

Perhaps I'm just being a bit of a moron thinking this way about this girl. I have known her for what? Less than a week, and already I'm loosing sleep.

I fill the mug with boiling water, cursing at myself for forgetting to put coffee in first.

But is it so strange for me to be thinking like this? It has been a long time since I have let anyone get this close to me... Well, no, that's a bit of a fib, it's been a long time since I found someone who was willing to sleep with me... Perhaps I'm just latching on to the first person who comes along?

I stir in the sugar and milk, replacing the carton in the fridge, the door I shut with my foot.

Why am I worrying about this? Why do I care? I am getting some! Finally. I'm seeing her again tonight, maybe this is the reason I'm fretting. I have a hot date and I want things to go well. Because if things go well then I get sex... But does it just boil down to that? I... I just seem to like to be near someone who wants to be near me.

I go back through to the living room, sit down and slip on my headphones to hear the twanging chords of Sleeper.

Is that so strange? Just to want that?

I take a sip of my coffee and continue my thoughts.