Fragment #38 - David's Lament II

Friday 14th May 2010
Glasgow

'Ed, I'm having some trouble with Greg.'

'And?'

'Hey! I'm in need and you're not even pretending to give a shit.'

'All right, all right. I'll pretend, just for you, that I give a shit for now. Now what's up with you and Greg?'

'He's got no trust for me any more, he says.'

'Yes.'

'Yes?'

'Yes.'

'What the fuck?'

'Well – it's just a guess – but is there any way he may have been a bit annoyed at you getting off with a whole bunch of people?'

'Well...'

'Thought so.'

'We're not exclusive.'

'Does he know this?'

'Well...'

'No.'

'Oh aren't we perceptive today Ed?'

'Does he know you've been shagging around behind his back too?'

'...'

'Didn't think so.'

'It's not my fault that men find me attractive.'

'I don't.'

'What do you mean you don't?'

'I don't.'

'What?'

'You've a mighty-high opinion of yourself... It's just that I'd rather not.'

'What do you mean?'

'Nothing.'

'Are you saying that I'm ugly? I know a lot of people who would say other wi...'

'No. No you're not hacket. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. Put it this way, if you were anyone else I wouldn't kick you out of bed for farting.'

'What do you mean by "anyone else?” '

'It's not important.'

'Tell me.'

'No.'

'Tell me!'

'It's pretty much the same reason you're not getting along with Greg.'

'Explain.'

'Well, you may not be the best person to be in a monogamous relationship with.'

'What exactly are you saying?'

'I'm being polite.'

'Yes that's right, Ed Stevens acting like he gives a shit about how other people feel. Fuck you, wanker. Just explain yourself here. Make it fucking good.'

'Well, this thing you have with constantly shagging other guys. It could put a bit of a damper on your relationship with Greg. I mean, if you're in a club and you see a nice looking guy standing there... or shaking his booty, whatever. have you ever thought; “I will not fuck this man behind my boyfriends back, I will just go home and have a wank instead.?” '

'Are you saying I'm easy? I'm easy is that it?'

'No, not easy, just not very difficult.'

'Just because people think I'm beautiful you have to shit on me. That's all you do Ed, shit on people. That's why that French girl left you last week!'

'Fuck you Jess! It's not my fault that you're a skanky wee ho!
'Right okay, kiddie-gloves off... Look, no offence, but you do seem to have a bit of trouble keeping your legs together. I mean dude! - sorry, dudette! – you've had more dick than... Well, more dick than there are flies buzzing round Robert's cheesy, lice ridden, dried-semen-encrusted crotch! And – let's face it – you're fucking riddled! Haven't you ever heard of condoms? Or are they just some mythological beast from remote antiquity to you? I honestly don't have enough fingers and fucking toes to help me tally up the amount of times you've been to that fucking sexual health clinic. I don't know why you even go now, you must have enough knowledge of the subject now that you could lecture at the fucking Medical School about "obscure and frightening diseases of the cunt". Lemme give you a good example; how many pregnancy tests have you bought in the last six fucking months? Don't know? I lost count too!
'There are two reasons I'd never even think about sticking it in you; One, you're my friend and we don't go there. And two, you are a fucking vending machine for sexually transmitted diseases! As a matter of fact just having you in this room makes this a fucking STD convention, a place where scientists can go to see what new heinous shit is out there making people shit out their cocks. Safe fucking sex with you would require being encased in a hermetically sealed tomb of lead and concrete in another fucking building!' That's the fucking reason you're on the fucking rocks with this poor sap you laughably call a boyfriend. And that's the reason I'd rather fuck a mattress stuffed with broken glass and wasps.
'Now, I've said it. Was that a better way of putting it? You happy with that one?'

'How many times did you say fuck?'

'Dunno, over ten anyway.'

'Yeah. You passing that Joint Ed?'