Fragment #22 - Nightmarish shadows

My last class is over. I allow myself a break. Maybe I could go down to the smoking area outside, I’d meet new people. I don’t like that I’m smoking those days, hope this will not come to be a habit, I already have enough bad and unreasonable habits. But anyway, I need to keep myself going and I’ve been feeling a bit down for a week. I go through my things in my purse, find my cigarettes, and my new notebook too. I open it; I’ve started writing in it this morning, in the bus…

Same recurrent dream. I’m at an airport, someone talk to me, in English but with an accent I don’t recognize. I check in and then somehow, I miss my flight. I visualize the plane which is leaving without me. I know I’m meant to go somewhere, some exotic place I don’t know, like Japan, except that I don’t feel like going to Japan. Japan doesn’t make sense. Is this an imaginary place?Does this mean I’m meant to go somewhere? Do I want to go away? Do I need to travel, to escape from where I am now? Does this have to do with an unsatisfied desire? Missed flight: maybe fear not to be in time for something important. What do I need to do? Take this plane. Get to know where it goes.

What does this all mean…? I hate feeling that I don’t understand something. It’s frustrating. Too much questions, that makes my head ache. Let’s go smoke this cigarette…