Fragment #24 - You need a definition?

He smoothly strikes my cheek. I’m lost in his blue eyes. I melt when he does this. But I feel so cold inside. I asked the burning question, the one I always prevent myself from asking, because the answer is always so hard to take. The inevitable question, and in the end I’ve got the inevitable answer I can get from a man. He doesn’t want to answer. I’m lost in his blue eyes, he is full of mystery and I’m so falling for him because of that. And there is this vague answer I can’t take. “You need a definition?” No I don’t… But I would like to. I would love to know where I’m going, I would love to know for once I’m not so much the one being fooled. But obviously I would be in the end, because I can’t believe in this easy relationship full of nice moments.
Maybe the thing I can’t take… is risk. This is why I’ve been looking after one of my friends, worst idea ever. I wanted to feel safe. What do I do now? I go on seeing him like nothing changed, nothing happened?
“Ok I’ll see you after you finish working, you can come to mine?”
“What about your sister?” “Oh she is visiting a friend in Liverpool. I don’t even know if she is coming back."
“Alright then, see you later Lily.”
Crap why did he have to call me this way now?
I get out of the flat he shares with three other guys, quite nice, the English one is pretty rude but I like the Italian one. Might be gay, I don’t really know. I have a last look at him before he closes the door, he smiles at me. I stare for a moment at the closed door. Then I feel that I’ve got a text. Mark. “We need to talk about what happened Saturday.” I bet we do.