Fragment #15 - Trying not to hide from myself

It’s sunny today. I’ve decided to let the cinema screens to the teenagers, for their last day of holiday… I can still feel that stone in my belly because of work, but I’ve also decided to let go a bit and enjoy the sunshine. No news from anybody. Paul is somewhere travelling in Scotland with Emma, his girlfriend. Cameron is gone to see his parents. I’m not sure where Sasha is, but I think she talked a lot of a Mickael recently... I’m not sure I want to see anybody anyway. I feel like sitting down in the grass somewhere and let my thoughts wander. Stop thinking Charlie, just stop.
I walk to Kelvingrove Park and find some quiet sunny spot. I brought a book with me, but I’m almost certain I’m not going to read it.
That’s just so like me. Trying to fit everywhere, to please everybody. Trying to be strong. I’d like to think that I’m strong for myself, but I know it’s not true. I try to be strong for Paul, and for Cameron, and for Daniel and Isabelle and Florestan. And, I suppose, for Mum and Dad, too. I miss Dad. I should go and see them soon, in Paris. No, no, Charlie, stick to where you started. No need to hide from myself. Even though I seem so self-confident and completely sure of what I’m doing and where I’m going, I almost feel empty inside. I miss something. Something is missing from my life. I can feel an old memory, a face coming back. No, no, please Matthew. Don’t come today. I’m going to feel miserable if you come… Let’s think about someone else now.
Steve. Why, Steve, why now? Why do you come back to me, when I feel all screwed up? How do you do it? How come you always come on those moments?
My phone bips. A text. Hey. I need to talk to you. Let’s meet at Brel tomorrow at 5, ok? S xxx
I hate it when he does that. I feel as if he can read my mind. I send a text back.
Sure, see you there. C x.
Can I face you? We’ll see.
Headphones on, only my eyes are in connection with the world. The best of Dire Straits. Come on, boys, bring it on.